


What Child Is This?

by Savageandwise



Category: Music RPF, Oasis (Band), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Christmas, Crack, Gallaghercest | Liam Gallagher/Noel Gallagher Incest, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:35:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28337067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Savageandwise/pseuds/Savageandwise
Summary: On Christmas Eve Liam finds a surprise at his doorstep.
Relationships: Liam Gallagher/Noel Gallagher
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20





	What Child Is This?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [twinka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinka/gifts).



> This is the second attempt at writing 'immaculate conception'  
> I've never written anything like this before...ahhhhh...

Liam Gallagher fucking loves Christmas. He loves the decorations, he likes the lights, the tree, the sweets. He loves tear-jerker films on the telly. He loves visiting family, drinking to excess. He loves the presents. Debbie says he's just a big kid. He still hopes for snow, still gets excited when he hears Christmas tunes on the radio. And he loves surprises. Nothing beats a good Christmas surprise. As far as Liam is concerned Christmas is the best. Anyone who doesn't love Christmas is just not right in the head. Like Noel, that grumpy bollocks. That little Scrooge.

It's the 24th of December and all through the house, not a creature is stirring except Liam and Debbie who just got back from her twin sister's house. They're pleasantly drunk and in good spirits. Debbie goes up to take her face off, moaning about having eaten too much and Liam feeds the cats. He's just spooning their food into bowls when the doorbell goes off. His first thought is it might be carolers but it's a little late for that. He tears open the door ready to shout at whoever it is and is startled to find a carrier basket and large overstuffed bag covered with Paddington Bears on the doormat. There's a big black car waiting on the street beyond the gate. Liam bends down and peers into the basket. He's greeted by a wail of discontent. He pulls back the fluffy pink blanket to reveal a baby. There's an envelope in the basket with his name printed across it. He quickly unzips the nappy bag, it's chock full of nappies and other baby paraphernalia. Liam drops the envelope and runs out to the black car.

"The fuck? The fuck is this!?" he shouts as the car drives away at top speed.

He grabs the basket and sets it down on the kitchen table like he's just been to market. He tears open the envelope to reveal a glittery Christmas card.

_Happy Christmas, you cunt. Your turn._

The baby is still wailing like a siren and after a second Debbie appears in the kitchen doorway, her face green with a moisturising mask. 

"What's this then?" Debbie asks.

"A baby, innit?" Liam grunts. He lifts the child up out of the basket. It can't be more than a month or two old.

"Someone left you their baby?"

Liam just shrugs. People have left him some strange stuff over the years but this just about takes the cake.

"We need to call child services, Liam," Debbie says. "Unless there's something you need to tell me."

The baby has a fuzz of corn silk hair and huge blue eyes. It looks oddly familiar.

A long time ago when Debbie agreed to give him the time of day she made him promise she'd never be forced to go through what Patsy and Nicole went through. She never wanted to find herself staring into a basket at a blue-eyed baby wondering how she could have been so fucking stupid. And he promised. He got down on his knees and promised. He kept that promise, he hasn't been with another woman.

"Nothing to tell you," Liam says distractedly. "Haven't the faintest."

Liam holds the baby for a moment, just before laying it down on the table to check its nappy. It's a girl. A very unhappy little girl, with a soaked nappy. Liam never had to change a girl's nappy before. He reckons the principle is the same. It's probably less dangerous even, surely she won't be able to piss in an arch.

"It's a girl," Liam announces, turning to face Debbie. 

"Yes. I can see that," she says dryly. 

She's going through the basket, lifting out all the blankets and gently shaking the star-shaped rattle. 

"We have to call the police, Liam. Surely this has to be a sick joke."

She goes into the next room to fetch her phone, muttering to herself. Liam finishes fastening the new nappy on and closes the snaps on the little onesie. He's just pulling on the little knit jacket and struggling to close the tiny buttons with his thick fingers, when he realises there's something sewn onto the jacket. Something gold. He pulls it free easily. It's a ring, a claddagh ring. Much like the one Liam himself used to wear. Like the one Noel used to wear. In fact...Liam examines the inside of the ring. There they are, the scratches he etched on the inside of the band trying to carve his name into the gold. It's Noel's ring.

"Debs!" Liam calls out at once. "Don't call the fucking pigs."

Debbie sticks her head back into the kitchen. "What are you talking about?"

The baby seems as bewildered as Debbie looks. Liam puts the ring on his left pinkie and he holds it out for her to see.

"I think she might be Noel's baby," he says after a while.

Debbie starts laughing. At least Liam hopes it's laughter. She could be crying too, it's hard to tell with her face all green and oily like the witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz.

"You think your brother left you his baby? Who...where did he get the baby from? I mean...I've heard plenty of horrible things about your brother but…" 

"Look, this is his ring. I had one too. Peggy gave them to us when we were lads. And...wait here...I'll prove it…"

Liam dashed upstairs leaving Debbie staring after him in shock.

"How will you prove it you fucking idiot? Got a DNA kit up there?" 

He grabs the photo album Lennon and Gene gave him one father's day and bounds down the stairs again. He flicks through it impatiently till he finds the photo he's looking for. Noel as a baby, blond with cheeks like apples. They could be twins.

"You don't think he's fucking cloned himself, do you?" Liam asks as Debbie tears the album from his hands. 

She squints at the page. "I suppose there is a resemblance but honestly. Looks like a million other Irish babies."

"Well...do you?" Liam asks again.

"Do I think he's cloned himself? No. I think you shouldn't have had all those tequila shots and we should call the police."

Liam picks up the baby who has begun to fret. 

"Christ. Now he's bonding with it!" Debbie exclaims. "I don't think it's a clone. I don't think Noel would send you the child he clearly would have had to have out of wedlock. I think there are only two explanations. Either this is the work of a deranged lunatic or...you broke your promise to me."

"But…"

The baby is drooling contentedly on Liam's shoulder. Debbie narrows her eyes at him. 

"Right. I'm going back to Katie's. Let me know when you've come to your senses."

She pulls on her coat and marches right out to wait for her uber. There's no point stopping Debbie when she's using that tone. She's the most determined person he knows. 

"Debbie…" Liam calls out. "You've still got a green face!"

The first thing Liam does after she's gone is call Paul. Paul sounds like he's awake but complains about Liam waking him up anyway. That's Paul all over. A born complainer.

"What have you heard about maybe Noel having a bit on the side?" Liam blurts out before Paul can say much more.

"Noel, what...?" Paul asks.

Liam relays the whole ridiculous story without pausing to breathe. On the other line Paul is laughing so hard he drops his phone. 

"I don't think Noel has had time for a bit on the side. He hasn't toured all year. He's been in and out of hospital."

Liam read a few things about Noel's health problems online. Something about his back. Of course he wasn't keeping tabs on his brother. Why would he? If it had been serious, Mam would have told him, right?

"Have you seen Noel lately?" Liam asks him.

"We talked on the phone a few weeks ago. He sounded tired. Then again...it might have been his clone…" Paul starts laughing again.

"That's not how cloning works and you fucking know it…" 

"Well. She can't be his clone, right? She's a girl. I'm with Debs on this one. Some psycho is messing with you. Maybe it's Noel...who knows…did you try calling him?"

He hasn't tried calling Noel yet, he's still building up his nerve. He decides to ask his mother first. Of course that will have to wait until morning. He feeds the baby formula and then goes through the bag again. He doesn't find anything interesting. Just the regular baby stuff. He puts the basket on the floor beside the bed and prays he doesn't step on her in the night.

He forgot how difficult the early days are, she wakes up every fifteen minutes. She's Noel's child for sure. Liam barely sleeps two winks all night. As soon as the sun comes up he rings his mother. 

"Liam. Has something happened?" Peggy asks. Are you still coming? Only Debbie's already rung to say she's ill...are you staying in with her?"

Liam sighs. "I'm still coming and that...bringing someone with me."

"Bringing someone with you?" Peggy asks in confusion.

"You'll see."

Thankfully she doesn't press the matter.

"Listen, Ma...have you spoken to our Noel?"

"Not since the operation," she admits.

"What operation?"

"You know...his back...I did tell him to ring you or at least send a note...it really was quite risky apparently. He's on the mend though. No thanks to Sara."

"What's she done now?" Liam asks.

Peggy clicks her tongue and sighs. "I shouldn't have mentioned anything."

"Well, you'll have to tell me now, won't you?" 

"She's in Scotland with the lads. Has been since about June. He won't say a word on the matter. Always did like his secrets, Noel did. I thought you said you spoke from time to time. When was the last time?"

Liam tries to think back. When was it? They hadn't officially reconciled but it was better than it had been. When was it? Months and months ago...It was well before Noel's birthday. Spring. The flowers just started coming in.

"March, must have been...a good nine months ago…"

All at once a horrible, ridiculous realisation hits him. 

"Ma, I have to go...I'll see you later, yeah?"

He changes the baby's nappy, feeds her again and then sits down to think the whole stupid situation through. About a year ago Noel started ringing him again. He still wouldn't answer text messages or pick up when Liam called but he'd call maybe once every two weeks. And he'd get right to it. 

"Tell me what you're wearing," he'd demand.

Liam could hear him wherever he was, shamelessly getting off while Liam dutifully described his clothing. As soon as he asked Noel anything, made any demands of his own he'd hang up. They got into a dirty little routine, with Liam constantly on edge because though he told himself he wasn't going to do it he needed to know he'd be able to lock himself in the bog or somewhere similar when Noel called. And he got more demanding as it went on. He wanted Liam to describe where they were, exactly what he was doing to him. He requested scenarios. 

"Do it yourself, you bossy fuck. What d'you need me for?" Liam shouted and ended the call. 

He spent the next few days with his stomach in knots, worrying Noel would never call him again. In the back of his head he had this idea he was going to say whatever Noel wanted as long as he kept calling. Of course when Noel finally called he couldn't help being cheeky. He was locked in the bathroom with the water running, going at it like he was wanking for England when Noel hung up on him mid-stroke. 

It was a fortnight before Liam answered a call again, that's how angry he was. Noel was all subdued, almost tender. He described himself removing his clothing piece by piece while Liam hung onto his phone and squirmed with annoyance and excitement not saying a word.

"Go on…"Noel said softly. "I want you to do it to me."

Just hearing that almost made him come in his pants. He fell over himself getting his trousers open, describing it, describing himself manhandling Noel into the right position. He was talking about a million miles an hour, stuttering and repeating himself. On the other end of the phone all he could hear was the rasp of Noel's breath, shaky and uneven. 

"Are you still there?" Liam asked, though he knew full well Noel was. "I'm pushing up into you. Filling you up...Fuck. I want it for real. Tell me you want it for real."

He could hear Noel suck in his breath painfully. "Of course I want it for real you fucking idiot. Keep fucking talking. I'm going to come!"

Liam groaned out loud as he spilled all over his hand. So loud, Debbie called out in concern from the kitchen where she was making tea.

"I'm fine!" He roared.

Noel murmured his name when he came. Liam's heart felt too large for his fucking chest.

That was over nine months ago. He tried ringing Noel, sending text messages. He tried being angry, he tried being sweet but it was no good. Complete radio silence, again.

Liam wasn't stupid. He knew how things worked. After all he had four children. He knew he was being ridiculous. Then why did it all seem to add up? He leaned over the basket and looked down at the baby, who was whining softly. Besides, you just knew, didn't you? He felt it in his bones: this was his child. They used to talk about babies in the beginning. When they still worried about whether or not it was wrong. Noel decided it wasn't really wrong. I mean...it was incest...but it wasn't that wrong. 

"If you was my sister, right? That would be really wrong, right? Then we could you know...have retarded kids and that...but you're my brother. So it's alright."

"Wouldn't you want me if I was your sister?" Liam asked, fluttering his eyelashes at Noel like a drunk tart.

The look he gave him was pure lust. Liam knew the answer without Noel saying a word.

"I'd fuck you silly. Give you a handful of brats just to see your massive tits," Noel said, running his hands up Liam's flat chest. 

Noel was balls deep inside him before it occurred to him to protest. "Why am I the fucking girl anyhow?!"

Noel laughed so hard he got a cramp.

"You'd be the girl!" Liam insisted.

The baby is crying. Her tiny fists are balled up, her petal perfect face scrunched up and red. Liam thinks this must be the dumbest fucking idea he's ever had. He pulls out his phone and calls Noel. Surprisingly he picks up. Liam launches straight into it before he loses his nerve.

"Before you say I'm a fucking idiot and that's not how biology works, you know what I mean...I mean...the baby...Well, I always said it would take a miracle to...you know...bring us together and that. And ain't that what Christmas is all about?" Liam pauses there, out of breath, feeling like a complete idiot.

There's a long pause, he can hear Noel suck in his breath and then exhale slowly.

"Happy Christmas, Liam," Noel says at last and then he hangs up.

For a long moment Liam just sits there, staring at his phone. Then he gets up, feeds the baby and packs everything up to go to see his mam. By some weird, impossible stroke of luck the baby sleeps through the whole journey. Liam writes Noel a handful of text messages feeling like a complete idiot. Maybe he has it all wrong...after all men don't have babies. Noel is probably laughing himself sick. Noel doesn't answer.

"They're gonna ask me where you came from and what you're called and fuck if I know what to tell them...What did he call you? What about...what about...What about Eve? That's a good name. Eve. Like the first woman," he whispers to the baby.

She opens her huge blue eyes and opens her mouth, lets out a cry to deafen the entire train compartment. 

"You're mine," Liam says. "No doubt about that."

He arrives in Burnage huffing and puffing, carrying the baby in a sling and her nappy bag and his suitcase and the Christmas presents. As soon as he rings the doorbell, the baby wrinkles her nose and starts to fret. When Peggy opens the door she takes one look at Eve, drops the dish towel she's holding and snatches the baby out of Liam's arms.

"This is what you mean 'bringing someone with you'? Where did you get it? Is it yours?" Peggy asks. She pulls back the blanket and studies Eve's tiny features. "She's got that nose. Positively the spit of Noelín at this age!" 

Eve starts screaming to bring down the house.

"Lord have mercy, this family!" She exclaims. "There's this one." She jabs her chin at Liam. "Trying to people the world on his own. And the other one...no words...thank God I have Paul. At least I have one good son."

"The other one?" Liam asks, stepping into the house and glancing around cautiously. 

Peggy strides into the house, rocking Eve in her arms gently. The baby is full on screaming now. "He? She? It's probably starving," Peggy says crossly. "Poor mite. Where's it's mother, then? What poor creature have you blessed this time? Poor, poor Deborah..."

Liam winces. "She," he says, trying to sound casual. "She's called Eve." 

She glares at Liam resentfully, grabs the bag of baby supplies from him and marches into the kitchen to prepare the formula. "Oh," Peggy says, sticking her head back out of the kitchen door. She thrusts Eve back into Liam's arms. "I expect you both to be on best behavior. If I hear even the slightest raised voice you'll both be barred from the house."

Liam is just wondering if she's talking about himself and Eve, wondering what constitutes bad behaviour in babies in Mam's book when he hears a voice coming from the living room:

"Eve is a good name."

He's there, sitting in a chair by the fireplace. He's pale as new snow, and somehow softer and puffy looking. He looks so perfect, Liam blinks and pinches himself. 

"It's you…"

Noel stretches his arms out and for an absurd moment Liam thinks he's going to hug him. Instead he takes the baby from Liam gently. Eve stops screaming at once, like magic.

"How?" Liam says weakly, sitting down on the floor by Noel's feet.

Noel shrugs, bends his head to fuss over Eve. He looks up and grins at Liam.

"I still hate you," Noel says in a treacle sweet voice. "It's the...the… the fucking hormones. Any second now I'm going to start crying floods. It's fucking disgusting."

"Now what?" Liam asks.

Noel doesn't answer, he looks like he's trying to glare at Liam but he can't suppress his smile. Liam puts an arm around Noel's slight shoulders, kisses the top of his head.

"I told you you'd be the girl, didn't I?"

Noel elbows Liam in the hip but he doesn't pull away.

"Fuck you," he says affectionately.

"Later," Liam whispers.

Peggy walks into the room holding the bottle of formula. She stops dead in her tracks and stares at them. 

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph. It's either a Christmas miracle or Judgement day is upon us!"


End file.
